Matter turns into energy, and energy turns into matter.
Accordingly, if someone matters to you you will spend energy into building a relationship with them, energy and time. Time spent with and for this person, willingly given sometimes in exchange for nothing, most often in exchange for their energy, their time. Whether I was born this dramatic or I grew up to be like this remains a mystery, but I must admit it takes its toll on me sometimes.
I am well aware that I keep running, that distance and time differences make relationships harder, and that my tendency to reply to messages a week later might put some people off. But when someone matters to me, I always get back to them, I direct my energy towards our relationship, trying to remember important dates and events. Because I love them (or so I thought). And as always, my mind is trying to find a balance between two opposite thoughts: “I should have no expectations, just give what naturally comes out of me without expecting anything in return” and “Maybe I should not. Maybe I should keep some of that love and care for myself, not everyone deserves my energy and time, but I do deserve some reciprocity”.
It’s hard for me to find grey tones, my brain seems to be wired in black and white contrasts. And again, I’m the one on the receiving end, to the extent that I have come to normalise feeling overly excited whenever someone does the bare minimum for me, and disappointed whenever I set minimum expectations that end up not being met. Yesterday, for almost 48 hours due to time differences, I felt the latter.
I am aware that I’m not the center of the universe, and that people do have a reason to be thinking of and dealing with more important matters. But sometimes I do feel like I’m just a speck of dust in the vastness of the still expanding cosmos, drifting on my own, unnoticed. Physical matter I do not care for, emotional matter I do crave, energy, time, a thought.
Have a thought to spare for me? I’ll treasure it.
On my way 